Breaking it down ETS: I'm feeling like the most important thing I will ever do or be a part of is now relegated to my past.

So a cool thing about life, is that we don't know what were going to do, or where were going to end up in the future. I know everyone says they want to know, but really, I mean really, do we? I think at heart that would ruin us.
To coin the lyrics of Marilyn Manson: If all of your wishes are granted many of your dreams will be destroyed.
True I believe.

Any way, what I'm trying to say is that part of the not knowing, is that you can always imagine that there is something better, or greater over the horizon.

I'm having a tough time seeing something greater over the horizon now.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not wallowing in sorrow and saying my "best years" are over, because I am in love, and do look forward to our lives together. So don't get bent out of shape on that front.

I'm simply saying on the larger scale of things I can do in my life to affect for better or worse the course of something larger than myself or my family, I'm 99.999% sure It's behind me now.

I toy with the idea of trying to become a politician, but not seriously yet. I also some times think about going to seminary, or re-joining as a Chaplin, however not seriously yet.

So I feel like the BIG part(s) of my life...

Are done and over.

I suppose it's an over all feeling that I don't have a mission anymore. Sure I'm employed (thank God) and I have a woman whom I love dearly, and a daughter, however none of that apparently constitutes a mission in the back of my mind.

I see around me that almost everyone is content to run from paycheck to paycheck, working for more "stuff" or a special vacation, or a new car. Or my new personal favorite, some people just live to complain endlessly about how bad they have it... 

I'm having a tough time calling that a Mission. It feels hollow, worthless.

Where's the "real" work now?

Well I could go back in...

Become a contractor and go back...

Hook up with a group stateside that does work I believe in...

Dig into my faith more...

I'm not sure where I'm headed, but I know I need a mission...

Any ideas?

Breaking it down ETS: the walk away

I'm feeling like I have walked away from my brothers & sisters in arms in a time when they need me.


So this one doesn't need much in the way of explanation I suppose.
but what the hell? right?


After being involved in Iraq during some of the more pivotal times (during the invasion, then during some of the worst sectarian violence, and finally during the start of our "withdraw") not being involved at all now leaves me with a feeling that I should be going back, because if I'm not, that means that someone else has to go in my place... and what if something happens to them?


Some of this I'm sure is because I have friends who are currently serving overseas, and so I think of them, and feel like I'm not just taking a deserved break, but rather I walked away totally, and with a finality that is a little tough to swallow.


Some is because of the pattern it set in my life.
I realize that I'm not expected by others to continue with the never ending deployments, however I expected it.
It became a pattern of life.


Come back from deployment
endure de-mob process that sucks
take amazing vacation
go back to work
Work hard, but always look to the next deployment
get word of deployment
start training
train more
and more
then deploy
repeat


Now I'm out of my element, and I feel like I'm skipping out, I should be just a few months away from getting word now... but I'm not.


It's funny the part of my military time I loathed the most was the drill dates, I actually looked forward to the deployments.

My second and final ETS

So I am now the proud owner of two Honorable Discharge certificates from the U.S. Army.

Why am I not jumping up and down with excitement and glee? I'm not sure. But I'm going to take a whack at "talking" it out on here, perhaps I'll understand it in the end.

A few years ago while on my second deployment I met a wonderful woman, who I fell in love with. Don't worry I'm not going to get all sappy on you right off the bat, I'm just setting the stage. I ETSd shortly thereafter, (thus the first Honorable Discharge) however I had spoken with several "key" people, and made it clear that if my love was called up for her second tour, I would re-enlist and go with for my third.

Now let me try to explain this quickly for those of you who are thinking I'm a nut job.

Imagine that you find "the one" and are lucky enough that she returns the feelings. Now imagine letting her go back to Iraq without you, and sending her letters and care packages...

... so that's a no-go for me. No F-ing way could I have done that. So When she got the call, I got the call, went back to MEPS and did the duck walk for the second time, and whala, I was on the list, and ready to go in short order.

This deployment was tougher in a different way, and not as enjoyable as the last two. But it's over and were home again home again jiggady jig. Any way as my 2nd ETS rolled around I only asked one question....

What is my retirement like if I stay in (I'm at the 10 year mark now)? Turns out that even with 100% attendance, three deployments, and a mobilization (Katrina) I'm looking at about $500 a month if I stay in for a full 20.

Well.... if I have three deployments since 2003 I can expect either 3 or 4 more before I retire. That's a lot of rolling the dice, so I opted out.

But as I said I'm not jumping up and down screaming NO MORE IRAQ... Why?

I have a few possible explanations

I'm feeling like I have walked away from my brothers & sisters in arms in a time when they need me.

I'm feeling like the most important thing I will ever do or be a part of is now relegated to my past.

I'm feeling like I should have made E-7

I wonder if I'll become a fat lazy slice of crap

I feel like I could have done more

I miss something about being there... though I don't know what it is


I'll look into these each a little further in the coming days and maybe, just maybe, I'll be ok with my decision at the end.

Then later in the new month I plan to rant about the VA and the demobilization process that fails miserably at it's intended goal.

A very well written article about a gap forming and growing in the US today

Thanks to Fobbits Need Ice cream Too for pointing to this one
His blog is located here: http://kbrsecurity.blogspot.com/
And here is the article:
http://www.politicsdaily.com/2010/09/09/in-the-10th-year-of-war-a-harder-army-a-more-distant-america/

It's well worth the full read.

True, so True

OMG...

Didn't mankind do this once before?

The tower of babble ring any bells?

The world is still out there, just beyond the fog...

Sometimes in a job like this one, the four walls start to close in on you. The day to day becomes all there is, and anything you used to enjoy or love to do seems so far away that it will never come back. It begins to feel like this small place, that's not much fun, is all that's left for you.
Sometimes you don't even know that your beginning to feel this way, until something happens that shakes you up and shows you that HEY, THE WORLD IS STILL OUT THERE, JUST BEYOND THE FOG (read sand storm) OF THIS WAR.

I had such an experience recently. A very relaxed concert. A few people from home coming by to say, hey, were all still here waiting for you. (Craig Morgan; Chris Young) Also some very heroic stories from others who have served and been injured. (Scott Lilley; Joseph Bowser) It was a real one-two punch that I needed. One to slap me and say, relaxation and enjoyment are still possible. And another to remind me that outside of the walls I'm stuck in there is still just as much war going on as there were in my last two tours.

I feel releaved, renewed, and revived. I just wish I could change up my job a little to help keep me from slipping back into the complacency that is this place.

You really begin to get the scale of it all when you see the amazing lavish areas Saddam had dedicated to himself and his fellow Baath party members. This guy was larger than life like him or not. He really had some out of this world ideas, and he ran with them. (Mind you I disagree with nearly all of them)

He was a bad guy who was somehow allowed to run as far as he wanted for a long long long time.

This is a picture of the palace that he named "Victory Over America Palace" Hmmmm that didn't work out quite like he imagined I guess.

Not a good day

So, here is an example of a day I wish I could just forget.
Were at a get together for a unit we just joined, and found out we were going to be deploying to Iraq with. Let's just say this was a day full of feeling like you didn't belong and you weren't wanted. I guess it's akin to being the last one picked for a team.
Before someone drops a comment like, get over it, toughen up, or something of the nature, just let me say one quick thing:

F&^% Off.
I'm just saying how it felt, and oh look... here I am in Iraq doing my job.

OK now that we've dispensed with the formality's,
It was a sort of hot day, one you could sit outside for, and it wasn't bad as long as there was a breeze, but once the breeze stopped you would want to get inside. We spent it aimlessly walking around saying hi to the few people we knew, and generally trying not to look as unimpressed, or unimpressive as we felt. I think the feeling was akin to when you were in grade school, and you realized that you had forgotten to do your homework. Or when you knew your parents just found out you had done something wrong, and you knew they were on the way to talk to you. It's something in the pit of your stomach, and it's not good.
Thank God we had each other.

Our heads, what have you done with them?

Just needed a laugh.

Wish I were there.

 

The rhythmic sound of the waves on the rocks.I hear only part of the battle that takes place day in and day out forever.The rocks are changed by this battle, just as we are changed by our own battles.The water continues on seemingly unchanged, just as life at large continues on regardless of us.The cool breeze and clouds flow along above, totally unaware of the battles fought and lives lost underneath them.

I have what you could call a cronicly terrible memmory, I'm sure there is something not quite right with the way my mind removes whole sections of my life. That being said:

Some moments in life are so powerfull, so wrought with feeling, and energy, that they sear themselvs into our memory. We can smell the air, feel the wind, and hear the laughter years and years after the moment has passed.
You can see one of those moments in my life above.
Another I recall is cruising home on my bicycle as fast as I could (I was about 7 I think) I knew I was almost late as I was turning into our driveway, but the smell of summer in the air, the sound of my bike whizzing on the pavement, and knowing I was pedaling for all I was worth was one of those moments for me.

Even the thief knowen to us all as time has a challange ahead of him to steal away these precious well worn memories. We think of them, and it re-news not just us as we do so, but the path to them, and thier stregnth. I pray time is never able to remove these from my mind.

True Friends will be few and far between, don't forget them. (Even if they won't look at the camera)

The only quote I'll post here.

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself." John Stuart Mill

Begin with that which is of most importance to you.