It drives me

I'm going to add this personal post to a mostly vanilla web-page. Funny as I type this, I'm thinking it's a good analogy for what I'm about to discuss.

Some songs I keep around be cause they make me happy, some because they make me remember. The one I'll share with you today does something I'm going to try to explain, but I may fail miserably. Wish me luck.

The song: Head Downby Nine Inch Nails

First I'll try to explain it, then I may share along with the lyrics what is going on in my head as I listen to the song.

The two very different sounds during the song play at picking the edges of a scab I don't think is ready to come off. Sometimes I really do wonder if all of this is real. What do I mean by this? Well... During my deployments I knew in no uncertain terms that it was VERY real. there were zero layers of bullshit. War, is as real as life can be. Here, and now, as I listen to this song while running on a treadmill at a hotel in Rawlins, WY I get goosebumps across my sweating body as I really wonder just what the hell I'm doing here. As the song progresses, there are two very opposing sounds. Chaos, and metallic tones of something dirty, gritty, and raw. While in the refrain a silky soft melody settles in as we ask ourselves if this is real...

Now, all that being said, there is a silver lining. There are a few, OK, three people who know either some of the real me, or in the case of one, all of me.

This is new

This is real

I have never been able to be this honest with someone in my past.

This has given me hope that the scab I mention may some day fall away on it's own

This has given me hope that even if it doesn't, that's OK, and I'm OK.

So it's a tough song to listen to. I only listen while running, and it drives me. I'm not sure why, but it does. I choose to keep it on my playlist for the same reason we tongue a sore tooth. It hurts, but for some reason, we like that, even crave it once in a while.

So as I ran on that treadmill, I thought, I wonder if this would be helpful for anyone. Or perhaps helpful for me to share. Hell I dunno, but why not.

Something I read the other day just popped into my head as I'm finishing this up, something like this:

If you act like you, then you will meet and be with people who like YOU. Not a fake idea of you, or some image of you, but actually YOU.

Great advice I think, and for some reason in today's world hard advice to follow.

This World is Only Illusion... Trying to Change You

This World is Only Illusion... Trying to Change You

I know some folks it has managed to change. It sometimes looks like a good thing, some times it feels so right... but in the end the illusion is swept away and only the reality of the decisions they made are left.

This is one such story.

I met a man. I didn't want to meet him. He was going to be in my way you see. I had just returned from my third tour in Iraq. I was dealing in a world without layers of bullshit, without layers of illusion. I was transitioning back into my civilian job where I knew all of these layers existed in spades. I had previously not had a direct supervisor. I had reported directly to a distant but amazing manager. I was happy. This guy was going to get in my way. Just one more layer of control and confusion I would have to deal with.

Initially upon meeting him, I was sure I had been correct to worry. He was so formal. He re-iterated the simplest of points over and over again.  Belaboring a point so simple as dress code to death. I was really worried this was going to make my job unbearable.

As time went on (not much really) I started to notice something... This "guy" was actually pretty damn smart. He was quick, attentive, and dare I say real? This was strange. He didn't deal in layers. He wanted, no actually expected the reality of it all. He was a layer of protection from the corporate mess, not an addition to it.

As we worked more closely together I began to find that I could learn a lot from him. Some simple things, organization items, plan of action, simple type stuff, but also some pretty amazing big picture items. He knew how to actually lead, not manage. I was taken aback... this kind of leadership belonged in the military, but I was highly unaccustomed to it in the civilian world.

Before long I found myself thinking of this "middle man" as a mentor, I looked up to him. I trusted his decisions, I would seek out his thoughts and input in my own career decisions. I also realized something else. He cared. Not the typical paper-thin caring you get from stuffed shirts with no backing or feeling. Rather a true, honest, and tough caring. I was AMAZED. At one point we both laughed as we discussed our first meeting, and how serious it seemed at the time, versus how laughable it was now.

Eventually he moved on in his path, and I in mine, but we kept in touch. I continued to learn from this man well after we no longer worked for the same company.
While he was a supervisor, colleague, and mentor, he was also much more.

He was a friend.

In case you didn't catch it, this is not a word I toss about with the greatest of ease. I have hundreds of acquaintances  co-workers, and business partners, but my number of friends can be counted on one hand. Literally.

Something happened to this man. The illusion... it got to him... maybe he let it in... maybe he fought long and hard to fight it.. he didn't know how to ask for help... it won.

This man deserved so much more. He should have had someone who he could go to. Someone who knew how much he was in pain. He didn't think he could... and that was the illusion.

He couldn't see through the layers of pain and confusion clouding his vision. It was so thick he couldn't make out his family. His wife, his wonderful children. They were all so far away. Blurry in the distance. Unmoving, and worse yet, unmoved.
He couldn't make out those of us who cared back. While he responded with smiles, jokes, and jovial quips, all the while he was hiding his pain. The world had pulled him into a dark corner... alone... and without hope.

In the illusion he could only see one way out... one clearing... one end.

He took this path, this illusion of peace, but could not see what it would do, nor who it would hurt.

Now all that is left is the void. The consequences of a decision made in the fog of this damn cold world.

You, sir, deserved better.

I'm sorry I wasn't louder or closer than the fog.
I'm sorry for your family who will live without you now.
I'm sorry for others who feel this loss as well.

I choose to remember you before the illusion took hold of you.
While you were a bright light in the world.
Smiling that smile, and helping those you met in any way you could.
While you knocked down layers of bullshit to have a very REAL life with all who you touched.
You are missed... and will always be.

In memory of KP, a traveler, now on the eternal road.